Daye 15 / Empty

bury met
don’t remember the month or the year
but there is snow on the ground
we are tourists from timenotyet
p.a.u.l. has grown a goatee to celebrate
his sister-in-law says it doesn’t suit him
threatens to shave it off herself
if its not gone by tomorrow morning
but still kisses his cheek
before she leaves the dressing room
and he is so sick
sick to his stomach
travelsick
homesick
junksick
citysick
timesick
sick of the fuss
doesn’t know what is expected of him
but neither does he want to give what is expected
hates having to get up on stage
hates having to tour
but is still too weak to say no
refers to himself as the performing seal
dislikes crowded places
and tells everybody so
you’re in luck tonight then says baxter
and flicks a burning cigarette into the corner of the room
before disappearing out of the door
and into the darkness beyond
p.a.u.l. has a premonition
suffers from electrophobia
believes he will be electrocuted on stage
or during rehearsals
like les harvey or keith relf
he will no longer practice his guitar playing
writes all his new songs on piano
and won’t get close to a microphone
so his singing voice is always muffled
his manager has had to take a course in resuscitation
just to get him to play
and p.a.u.l. has taken to wearing rubber-soled boots
his mouth is always dry
he grabs a bottle of evian
and his little yellow notebook
and begins to write

baxter
sinclair
peter anthony vickers
are already on stage
waiting
anxious
tuning up
where is the singer
the otherguitarist
why is he always late?
he needs to tune up
ah, here he comes now
head down
he makes his way through the small gathering
some of the crowd already know him
some of them don’t
some of them soon will
some of them never will
some of them will forget him forever
some of them will remember
but not yet
jumps up on the small riser
all blue and white polka dots tatty silver jeans and longhair
blonde twelve-string rickenbacker shimmering
underneath the stage lights
pink and green shadows cast across the ceiling
grins at his bandmates
they grin back
sorry he mouths at one of them
baxter shakes his head
and continues to tune his guitar
the house lights dim
a tiny noise comes from the stage
p.a.u.l. can hardly bear to touch his guitar
his stomach is in knots
throb of the bass
snare drum begins to ricochet off the wall at the back of the room
the intro seems to go on forever
electropulse growing stronger
vortex is dragging him in
flailing in the wake of the leadguitar
lights blind him
make his mouth even drier
his body is sticky
his arms feel too heavy
add stagesick to that list at the beginning of this blog
he opens his mouth to scream
and swallows up the whole room

''immortality
has got to be junked
forget the soma
because its potency’s shrunk
she laughed “you’re useless
you make all the wrong guesses”
she took me out
with a shake of her tresses
tried to keep her awake
I even bathed her in oils
I could feel the quake
all those miles undersoil
the heliotrope
bends a few more degrees
cut away this debris
I’m empty
I’m empty

we watched the aerostat
plunge to the ground
how could I lose
what had never been found
made my excuses
and I left on my trip
when she passed out
the words were still on her lips
in the back of beyond
we slowly slipped out of phase
the treasures have gone
sold and never replaced
the heliotrope
bends a few more degrees
cut away this debris
I’m empty
I’m empty

hubble bubble
there was toil and trouble
I was high
as I checked through the rubble
she was fooled
wearing all the wrong rings
she took me out
with a twist of her limbs
the electrics are crude
our wires are stripped
talking things through
cannot heal the rift
the heliotrope
bends a few more degrees
there’s only dust and debris
I’m empty''